I’ve heard it said by several men, and women too, “My ex is always my next” and certainly many people feel that if you’ve been there once you can always go back. There is a certain pull that the familiar has for most people who didn’t end disastrously. And for others, it’s the disaster that keeps calling them back. They want to fix it and get it right this time. The urge to merge seems to be stronger when we already know the territory, and we convince ourselves with those little white lies, “It’s just for the sex,” “We owe ourselves one more chance,” “This time will be different,” “Our love is special, my ex is not like this with other lovers.” And the gold star of excuses for partners who have children together; you guessed it, “We’re doing it for the kids.” Right about now you should be hearing a record scratch, because it’s the same old song playing on the jukebox all day long, and so many of us are listening. So why do we do it? And how can we stop?
It’s just for the sex – right! Sex is readily available these days and it really is not that hard to get laid. If you are in the mood, you can bet there is another man/woman in the mood just as much as you. But you will argue, I’m not gonna sleep with just anyone. Oh really? Before you had sex with your ex the first time, he/she was just anyone, no matter how long you think you knew them, or how well. Just admit your motives upfront and make a deal….how often, what circumstances and when it will never happen. If your ex is already with a new partner, check your revenge meter. You may just be trying to get back at them both and prove that you’re still desirable. Doesn’t work. Why? Because the minute you hop off of cloud nine and come back to reality you’ll feel used and want to go back, again and again, to make your ex-feel used instead of you. Hmm, sounds like an endless cycle, doesn’t it?
Then there’s the, “we owe it to ourselves” line. Really? How did sex become a debt? Be honest with yourself. Yes, we have a hard time admitting that being sexually starved is a great motivator for getting back to the familiar ex. Spit it out and move on. If you lie to yourself about your basic needs you’ll be lying to your partner too.
This time will be different – ok! I’m buying it. What exactly has changed? Are you suddenly ready to look past your ex’s flaws and accept the behaviour that broke you up in the first place? Or worse, he/she broke up with you and you think they finally see your value. Hmm, think long and hard about this one, because you might be fantasizing about something sentimental that was never there. If, however, you or your partner have decided to change and work on the deal-breaker, then maybe, just maybe this one can work. Until it’s sorted, keep your eyes open and your heart safe.
Ok – We all heard you – You’re doing it for the kids! That sounds noble and self-sacrificing, but who has sex with somebody, for somebody else’s sake. That’s either an abusive relationship or somebody just went against their own moral standard. You can’t get pleasure for somebody else’s sake. So, let’s assume the relationship is not highly sexual, it’s practical and you are just co-parenting. Now you have a dysfunctional relationship that you’re modelling for your kids. That’s exactly what you’re teaching them to look for in the future. No medals for that. Sorry.
To Read More: Purchase your copy of Volume 9 #4– September-October 2017
Share this post:
I’ve heard it said by several men, and women too, “My ex is always my next” and certainly many people feel that if you’ve been there once you can always go back. There is a certain pull that the familiar has for most people who didn’t end disastrously. And for others, it’s the disaster that keeps calling them back. They want to fix it and get it right this time. The urge to merge seems to be stronger when we already know the territory, and we convince ourselves with those little white lies, “It’s just for the sex,” “We owe ourselves one more chance,” “This time will be different,” “Our love is special, my ex is not like this with other lovers.” And the gold star of excuses for partners who have children together; you guessed it, “We’re doing it for the kids.” Right about now you should be hearing a record scratch, because it’s the same old song playing on the jukebox all day long, and so many of us are listening. So why do we do it? And how can we stop?
It’s just for the sex – right! Sex is readily available these days and it really is not that hard to get laid. If you are in the mood, you can bet there is another man/woman in the mood just as much as you. But you will argue, I’m not gonna sleep with just anyone. Oh really? Before you had sex with your ex the first time, he/she was just anyone, no matter how long you think you knew them, or how well. Just admit your motives upfront and make a deal….how often, what circumstances and when it will never happen. If your ex is already with a new partner, check your revenge meter. You may just be trying to get back at them both and prove that you’re still desirable. Doesn’t work. Why? Because the minute you hop off of cloud nine and come back to reality you’ll feel used and want to go back, again and again, to make your ex-feel used instead of you. Hmm, sounds like an endless cycle, doesn’t it?
Then there’s the, “we owe it to ourselves” line. Really? How did sex become a debt? Be honest with yourself. Yes, we have a hard time admitting that being sexually starved is a great motivator for getting back to the familiar ex. Spit it out and move on. If you lie to yourself about your basic needs you’ll be lying to your partner too.
This time will be different – ok! I’m buying it. What exactly has changed? Are you suddenly ready to look past your ex’s flaws and accept the behaviour that broke you up in the first place? Or worse, he/she broke up with you and you think they finally see your value. Hmm, think long and hard about this one, because you might be fantasizing about something sentimental that was never there. If, however, you or your partner have decided to change and work on the deal-breaker, then maybe, just maybe this one can work. Until it’s sorted, keep your eyes open and your heart safe.
Ok – We all heard you – You’re doing it for the kids! That sounds noble and self-sacrificing, but who has sex with somebody, for somebody else’s sake. That’s either an abusive relationship or somebody just went against their own moral standard. You can’t get pleasure for somebody else’s sake. So, let’s assume the relationship is not highly sexual, it’s practical and you are just co-parenting. Now you have a dysfunctional relationship that you’re modelling for your kids. That’s exactly what you’re teaching them to look for in the future. No medals for that. Sorry.
To Read More: Purchase your copy of Volume 9 #4– September-October 2017
Share this post: