Some folks are clear that “Ex” is short for “expired”, there is no going back once a relationship has ended while others may explore whether another round is possible.
We tend to romanticize the notion that a partner “can’t be without you.” The sense of being desired even through ups and downs can give an adrenaline rush that some find irresistible. But before you go back into the arms of Mr. or Ms. “Ex” let me be the voice of reason and ask you to answer these questions:
Are you thinking about getting back together with your EX just because you miss them?
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex after the relationship ends. This alone is not a sign that you are meant to be. Chances are, the feelings of longing will pass over time. If this is your primary basis for reconnecting, it could be problematic.
By: Kamala McWhinney
What are your reasons for wanting to get back together? No, the REAL reason.
Is it because your relationship with your ex seemed better than your current relationship? If your current partner comes up short in a few departments when compared to your ex, it is normal to experience a sense of renewed appreciation for your ex. The sense of nostalgia can be comforting and can tempt us to act on it.Does this mean we should? Don’t forget why you broke up in the first place, your ex wasn’t perfect, despite what the nostalgic feelings say. Can you deal with the good and the bad, again? Maybe compared to your current relationship, your ex was a gem. If so, carry on…with the other questions.
Could it be that they have moved on and you haven’t? Are you jealous? Sometimes our exes ‘glow up’ after the relationship ends and seeing them looking mighty fine, especially on a day when you may not feel as fine, might stir some feelings of longing and a little lust as well. Is that the motivation? On Day 239 of being single again and perhaps thirsty for physical stimulation, it would be wise to assess your motivations carefully before agreeing to a dinner date.
Will the same mistakes come up again?
In clinical practice, I have come across cases where a proposal to get back together or to get married came after a huge breakup. In the euphoria of the moment, no one wants to speak about the elephant in the room, the fact that one partner has been controlling, unfaithful, insecure or shady. We human beings are prone to cognitive biases, one of which is the over-optimistic bias. This is where we erroneously believe that a positive outcome is far more likely than it is in reality. For some of us, the flashing of a diamond ring and talks of forever can have side effects of decreased critical thinking. Stay woke though, my friends. If the issues were not discussed maturely and frankly, they haven’t disappeared. They will resurface!
Maybe it will be Ex-ceptional the second time around
There is no rule against dating your ex. Sometimes maturity, changes in financial, social or geographic circumstances are exactly what is needed to make it work. It is important to have realistic expectations though. For example, some things about your partner may change; some are enduring traits that won’t change. At the very least, open communication is critical to the process. Ask yourself “Who am I now and what do I need from my partner?” Then ask your partner “Who are you now and what do you need from me?”
Happy ex-ploring!
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