“FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE.”
Those four little words can literally take on a life of their own the very minute they are uttered. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with them. They just mean different things to different people.
The ultimate in sealing the most perennial of all emotions among humankind, marriage can be a most beautiful experience for those in love. But in much the same way it can change the dynamics of a relationship at the drop of a hat FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE.
Unrealistic expectations of your spouse, tagging your partner with that ‘I OWN YOU’ label, incompatibility, an uncompromising heart and a tired routine, are just few of the things that can quickly ruin what was otherwise a great relationship before the ‘I do’s’ came into the picture. But more important, experts say, is the love and respect spouses show each other; key ingredients which help sustain a relationship well into marriage.
“A husband is to love his wife; and affection (translation: love) is her top need.” Conversely, “A wife is to respect her husband; and respect is his top need,”
says noted American psychologist and best-selling and award-winning author, Dr. Kevin Leman, in the book
Seven Things He’ll Never Tell You: But You Need to Know
.
But not all relationships change with marriage or are so negatively affected they disintegrate. *Jamie and *Kristal are proof of that. “We were friends before,” said Kristal, who believes that both partners must have common interests or share perspectives for a marriage to work.
If anything, both say their 15-year marriage has grown stronger with time and they are a more solid unit since their dating days and even long after the wedding bells chimed.
The two, who attended the same church, met officially at university some 18 years ago.
“I was about to enter university and he decided he wanted to show me the ropes,” Kristal said coyly. She described Jamie, then a second year student, as “always friendly and willing to help wherever he can”. “He was a good support.
We’d go everywhere together.”
That included following Jamie to buy roses for his then love interests.
They ended up working together on several committees at church. Jamie’s story is that he was “a year ahead at UWI and just didn’t want her to have to go through the difficulty of buying the expensive books”. As their friendship grew, the two got to see more of each other, under various circumstances.
Sure enough, they had arguments, but Kristal says, “It was never violent.” Jamie remembers one in which he fumed: “God, thank you is not she I’m going to marry!” But he couldn’t have been more wrong.
The lovebirds now bask in marital bliss as they shared the joys of their union: “Marriage has brought our relationship closer and more intense,” came the confirmation from a beaming Kristal.
With that intensity has come greater sex, better communication and an understanding of each other, something the couple admits they had to work on.
Knowing your partner’s love language is the key to a successful relationship or marriage, the mother of two and medical doctor also suggests.
She said she had to take her husband, an IT professional, to task about his “insensitivity” to her feelings. His counter: He was working very hard.
Quoting psychologist Gary Chapman’s book,
The Five Love Languages
, Lehman also notes: “People express their love in different ways. And they expect to receive love in that same way. If you don’t understand that unspoken expectation, it can cause problems in your relationship. But as you identify your own love language and your man’s love language, you can learn to speak a common language that will bring a greater fulfilment and joy to your marriage.
Jamie stepped up his game dropping love notes in the letter box, under the pillow and just about everywhere for his wife, who was never shy about articulating what she wants.
They would spice things up on the weekend by sending their two young children to grandma while they made the most of each other.
Still, some ask, what makes some relationships that once seemed destined for greatness fizzle the moment the marriage card is played? Are there ways to preserve the pre-marital bliss or harmony once enjoyed?
Experts highly recommend pre-marital counselling, particularly for first-timers, as one way around the problem.
They say it allows both parties to identify not only the similarities but also their differences and helps them come to terms with the unexpected but harsh realties of marriage.
Some ministers of religion are said to have even refused to conduct wedding ceremonies in the absence of pre-counselling.
*Petra agrees that unacknowledged fundamental differences are at the root of many relationships derailing shortly after marriage. She says people often ignore the signs because they think things will change with marriage. But, she believes once the honeymoon period cools off and reality sets in, that’s where they begin to lock horns.
“I saw the signs. They were all there, but I think I ignored them because I thought we could work on things later. I think that we were having so much fun that I just figured things would fall into place.”
“Less than a year into the marriage… Petra pauses and corrects herself. “No! Actually, his possessive behaviour was already there from the time we were dating. But, as I said, we were going to parties, hanging out a lot and just having a lot of fun with friends. In a way,” she said, “I was hoping it would go away after a while.” No longer able to express herself freely with *Courtney, she says they had frequent verbal sparing which resulted in her being emotionally and verbally abused. She is still counting her lucky stars as she says the two had planned on having children during their two-year marriage.
“If I had gone down that road with him I can tell you, it would have been a disaster!” Divorced, both point the finger at each other for the demise of their relationship.
For Jamie and Kristal marriage is an important part of who they are. “It helps you to see more of yourself, it unearths things about yourself you wouldn’t have seen on your own,” says Kristal.
“Most of the growth that has come to me, personally, has been from being married,” said her husband. “With marriage you have a commitment. You can’t just walk out when you have an argument.”
“H. Norman Wright, in the book
Seasons of Marriage
, sums it up best: Marriage is a school where we learn to be flexible, to live in harmony with each other, to walk together as one, to strengthen and complement each other.
Importantly, too, is that constant reminder that it is
FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE
.
*Name changed upon request
Share this post:
“FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE.”
Those four little words can literally take on a life of their own the very minute they are uttered. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with them. They just mean different things to different people.
The ultimate in sealing the most perennial of all emotions among humankind, marriage can be a most beautiful experience for those in love. But in much the same way it can change the dynamics of a relationship at the drop of a hat FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE.
Unrealistic expectations of your spouse, tagging your partner with that ‘I OWN YOU’ label, incompatibility, an uncompromising heart and a tired routine, are just few of the things that can quickly ruin what was otherwise a great relationship before the ‘I do’s’ came into the picture. But more important, experts say, is the love and respect spouses show each other; key ingredients which help sustain a relationship well into marriage.
says noted American psychologist and best-selling and award-winning author, Dr. Kevin Leman, in the book
Seven Things He’ll Never Tell You: But You Need to Know
.
But not all relationships change with marriage or are so negatively affected they disintegrate. *Jamie and *Kristal are proof of that. “We were friends before,” said Kristal, who believes that both partners must have common interests or share perspectives for a marriage to work.
If anything, both say their 15-year marriage has grown stronger with time and they are a more solid unit since their dating days and even long after the wedding bells chimed.
The two, who attended the same church, met officially at university some 18 years ago.
“I was about to enter university and he decided he wanted to show me the ropes,” Kristal said coyly. She described Jamie, then a second year student, as “always friendly and willing to help wherever he can”. “He was a good support.
We’d go everywhere together.”
That included following Jamie to buy roses for his then love interests.
They ended up working together on several committees at church. Jamie’s story is that he was “a year ahead at UWI and just didn’t want her to have to go through the difficulty of buying the expensive books”. As their friendship grew, the two got to see more of each other, under various circumstances.
Sure enough, they had arguments, but Kristal says, “It was never violent.” Jamie remembers one in which he fumed: “God, thank you is not she I’m going to marry!” But he couldn’t have been more wrong.
The lovebirds now bask in marital bliss as they shared the joys of their union: “Marriage has brought our relationship closer and more intense,” came the confirmation from a beaming Kristal.
With that intensity has come greater sex, better communication and an understanding of each other, something the couple admits they had to work on.
Knowing your partner’s love language is the key to a successful relationship or marriage, the mother of two and medical doctor also suggests.
She said she had to take her husband, an IT professional, to task about his “insensitivity” to her feelings. His counter: He was working very hard.
Quoting psychologist Gary Chapman’s book,
The Five Love Languages
, Lehman also notes: “People express their love in different ways. And they expect to receive love in that same way. If you don’t understand that unspoken expectation, it can cause problems in your relationship. But as you identify your own love language and your man’s love language, you can learn to speak a common language that will bring a greater fulfilment and joy to your marriage.
Jamie stepped up his game dropping love notes in the letter box, under the pillow and just about everywhere for his wife, who was never shy about articulating what she wants.
They would spice things up on the weekend by sending their two young children to grandma while they made the most of each other.
Still, some ask, what makes some relationships that once seemed destined for greatness fizzle the moment the marriage card is played? Are there ways to preserve the pre-marital bliss or harmony once enjoyed?
Experts highly recommend pre-marital counselling, particularly for first-timers, as one way around the problem.
They say it allows both parties to identify not only the similarities but also their differences and helps them come to terms with the unexpected but harsh realties of marriage.
Some ministers of religion are said to have even refused to conduct wedding ceremonies in the absence of pre-counselling.
*Petra agrees that unacknowledged fundamental differences are at the root of many relationships derailing shortly after marriage. She says people often ignore the signs because they think things will change with marriage. But, she believes once the honeymoon period cools off and reality sets in, that’s where they begin to lock horns.
“I saw the signs. They were all there, but I think I ignored them because I thought we could work on things later. I think that we were having so much fun that I just figured things would fall into place.”
“Less than a year into the marriage… Petra pauses and corrects herself. “No! Actually, his possessive behaviour was already there from the time we were dating. But, as I said, we were going to parties, hanging out a lot and just having a lot of fun with friends. In a way,” she said, “I was hoping it would go away after a while.” No longer able to express herself freely with *Courtney, she says they had frequent verbal sparing which resulted in her being emotionally and verbally abused. She is still counting her lucky stars as she says the two had planned on having children during their two-year marriage.
“If I had gone down that road with him I can tell you, it would have been a disaster!” Divorced, both point the finger at each other for the demise of their relationship.
For Jamie and Kristal marriage is an important part of who they are. “It helps you to see more of yourself, it unearths things about yourself you wouldn’t have seen on your own,” says Kristal.
“Most of the growth that has come to me, personally, has been from being married,” said her husband. “With marriage you have a commitment. You can’t just walk out when you have an argument.”
“H. Norman Wright, in the book
Seasons of Marriage
, sums it up best: Marriage is a school where we learn to be flexible, to live in harmony with each other, to walk together as one, to strengthen and complement each other.
Importantly, too, is that constant reminder that it is
FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE
.
*Name changed upon request
Share this post: