It is almost unthinkable to believe that all it takes to be downgraded from a significant other, to well, other, is a simple argument manoeuvred by oversized, clashing egos armed with stinging words traded in a heated verbal onslaught. It ought to be a fitting case for couple’s therapy, because in the grand scheme of things sticks and stones may break your bones, but words hurt way more than we let on. And it’s simple, really, the reason why couples argue. The fact is it’s natural, and just like taxes it’s also inevitable. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship because perfect people do not exist. In fact, arguments are a way to resolve issues and strengthen your relationship, if done right.
It is, admittedly, easier to trade insults when you’re upset than it is to remember what exactly caused the argument in the first place. As we share five of the more common reasons couples fight so much, we sought the help of expert relationship counsellor and newspaper columnist Wayne Powell, BA, MA Counselling Psychology, who helped us to prescribe remedies to prevent you from reaching that place where the word sorry, like you, has lost its significance.
Sex
Often times there’s not enough sex, and other times there is none at all. But try to remember the times the two of you became one, deciding to give your all in that moment of unadulterated, intense and passionate pleasure…when long, soft kisses were teased by spine-tingling caresses in ultimate intimacy to Marques Houston’s Sex With You. Simply put, “The lack of sex in intimate relationships is akin to a car without oil to keep it running smoothly,” explains Wayne Powell. The solution, he recommends, is that both partners must understand and appreciate that sex is a shared activity and they must be prepared to put in as much as they would want to receive – such is the calming effect of sex on the psyche.
Infidelity
Unwelcomed, uncalled for and absolutely wrong, unless you’ve decided to opt out of the relationship you’re in: there is NO REASON to cheat. And in the event you did opt out of the relationship, ensure the other person knows. Imagine thinking that you and the ‘significant other’ are on good terms, only to find out there was a third person and a second relationship and you’re the only one who didn’t know of the new arrangements. Such was the case for Terry, when she was evicted from her two-year-long relationship without notice. Suffice to say it escalated into more than a heated argument when all three parties came face to face. So before you go flirting, take Powell’s advice and remember to tell yourself, “Nuh weh nuh better than yard”.
Money
Money has always remained an unsettling source of contention in a relationship, as each individual has a different spending habit. Likewise, if one partner is earning more than the other, then the higher earner will feel the need to impose authority on spending, resulting in communication breakdown. The situation is further compounded if there is a lack of money, one partner is overspending, or one partner incurs a debt without telling the other, which eventually puts both persons in debt.
Such was the situation with Andrew and Dion, who after three and a half years of dating, had just moved into a rented apartment together. They had discussed Andrew buying a car and decided on a date for the purchase. Andrew, however, went ahead and bought the vehicle before the agreed date. Sometime later Dion lost her job and so her income was no longer there to support their needs. As you can imagine, with less income and a haphazard purchase, every time the bills arrived, an argument followed. The solution here, according to Powell, is to let the partner with the better money management skills take charge of the finances, with input from both partners. Therefore, the better money manager is appointed the Minister of Finance for the family.
Incompatibility
It’s always a messy situation when you come to the realisation that you and your partner really have nothing in common. Just ask local entertainer, Bugle. In the early days of dating, there were cooked romantic dinners, nights spent partying ‘till dawn and weekends spent locked in each other’s arms. But after a few years, you’ve lost the mystery and intrigue that led to those years and so now you barely make an effort to remain the essence of allure you once were. Time spent together is not focused on building the relationship and you find yourselves drifting apart. Then the resentment develops and every wrong word leads to an argument. So before you settle for a full-fledged relationship, take the time to get to know the person. Find out their educational background, their religious and cultural beliefs as well as their goals and aspirations. Spend time helping each other to achieve individual dreams and allow for time to grow together. Try something new together, which will in turn enhance how you interact and communicate.
Harbouring Past Mistakes
Another popular reason couples argue is the terrible habit of bringing up unrelated past indiscretions during a new argument. So, all of a sudden you’re the most disgusting and unbearable person because 5 years ago you did something you regretted, and it is that one thing that has ruined everything you did since then. Don’t keep a library of past issues and constantly judge the other person for it. We’ve moved beyond the blame game, so move on too and leave past baggage in the past. Instead, argue only about the current issue, because we’ve all made mistakes. It’s not always about who’s right or wrong, but more about being understanding. Chances are it is not worth the relationship you’ve invested your time and effort in.
True success in any relationship takes compromise and understanding. Once you decide to dedicate yourself to a relationship you’re now taking into consideration the needs of your partner and any children they may have. You have to rearrange your goals to include theirs and be ready to accept them, flaws included. Many couples go into a relationship with the idea that their partner is some project they can fix to their desire and so they take that partner for granted. Before long, you’re miserable and the connection gets broken. So make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time every day to connect with your partner and remember an argument every now again is healthy for your relationship.