Erectile Dysfunction is an embarrassing condition most men experience at some point in their lives – Dr Karen Carpenter breaks it down: the possible causes and the fixes for a functional relationship.
Most men experience erectile dysfunction or ED at some point in their lives. Erectile dysfunction is simply the inability to gain or maintain an erection. At some point in every man’s sexual history he will find himself in a situation where he can’t get an erection or the erection is either not hard enough or doesn’t last long enough. Now before we go any further let’s play doctor for a minute and find out the facts surrounding ED. The questions we have to ask are:
- is it only with one partner;
- has it happened since the first sexual experience and
- does it occur only in certain stressful situations?
These are important questions which tell us if the problem is
- partner-specific;
- generalized or
- situation specific
Only with One Partner
A man who has had more than one sexual partner can easily answer the first question. If he had good erections with previous partners and has no new health complaint it could be his relationship with his partner that is causing him to experience the erectile dysfunction. Now let me say straight up, “the penis hates resentment”. If you are in a relationship where there is constant bickering and there are unresolved hurt feelings on the part of the man, his penis will not be able to function as well as if the relationship meets his needs. We often assume that women have a monopoly on feelings and therefore can’t function well sexually when they are unhappy in the relationship. Well, the same goes for men. If the man’s issues are not resolved to his satisfaction he may find it difficult to gain and keep an erection with that woman.
A common cause of relationship dissatisfaction for men is nagging, quarrelling and verbal attacks that make them feel less than a man. This is a sure erection killer, but only when there is a poor relationship. It is very tempting to believe that when a man has a poor erection it is because he does not find his woman attractive. That may not be at all true. Don’t jump to conclusions – get professional help.
Since Early Sexual Experiences
If your earliest sexual experiences included instances of ED and they continue years later then chances are these are generalised issues. The treatment for all erectile dysfunctions follows a similar path with prolonged dysfunction requiring even deeper probing into the origins of the initial incident. Religious beliefs that prohibit sex before marriage can sometimes interfere with the ability to function sexually outside of marriage. Other issues may have originated in the individual’s childhood with instances of sexual over- exposure or abuse. Still many more causes could be related to the “family of origin” issues, such as the relationship of the man with his parents and the messages they communicated about sex. You may find as the woman that your partner doesn’t want to open up to you about his past sexual experiences in childhood. He may fear being judged, and may not feel you will understand. It is important to seek the help of a trained and qualified therapist for generalised sexual problems.
In Particular Situations of Stress
Stress has two likely outcomes in a sexual relationship. Small degrees of managed anxiety can actually lead to greater excitement between couples. However because few couples realise that this stress (eustress) is fundamentally negative they don’t think about it. The other kind of stress that sex therapists are concerned with and that can affect a man’s erection is dis-tress. This is stress that becomes unmanageable to the individual; it is a common form of ED known as performance anxiety. This means that the man can have erections when he is on his own or masturbating but loses them when he is in high anxiety situations such as unfamiliar surroundings, hurried sex, new partners etc. Obviously if his partner has been complaining about the ED then it will be even harder for him to maintain the erection he may achieve. The penis is very sensitive to negativity. The man may genuinely want to perform well, but finds it impossible in a hostile situation. Each time he faces this kind of high anxiety situation he begins to doubt himself and performs progressively poorly – every “next time” is worse than the preceding one. Eventually the penis will lose all interest in such situations.
What’s the Solution?
First of all if we want good loving we have to create the atmosphere for love to show up. Choose your partner well or if you already have a partner strive to improve the relationship. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar so sweeten your words. Learn to compliment your partner about the times and activities when the sex was good. Keep it positive and watch the penis grow. Remember to prepare for sex by being physically attractive – and shower, shave and wear something sexy to bed. Mix it up and include sex acts that don’t require intercourse. Finally, if the problem persists go and see your medical doctor and a therapist who is qualified to deal with these issues. Good circulation is vital for good blood flow to the penis for strong erections. The first thing your doctor will do is to check for medical causes such as diabetes, hypertension and heart conditions. A therapist will teach you and your partner new ways of interacting and nurturing a healthy environment for the penis to be happy. Yes, I know you’re laughing but every man knows that a happy penis is part of the secret to good sex.