Though it had been several years since that incident, the emotions were obvious as Heather recounted the moment of separation for her and her then husband of 12 years. No one gets married with the intention of divorcing years later, but unfortunately this does happen. And even though a divorce is between adults, it isn’t only the couple who feels the pain of it – the child(ren) of that union also experience the trauma of separation.
Speaking specifically to the impact of marital separation on children, Marie Reynolds says all children in this situation experience a sense of abandonment and loss when one parent leaves the home. “It is akin to a death and they go through a period of mourning and grief.”
A paediatric psychotherapist and associate clinical Social Worker at both Family Life Ministries and Caribbean Tots to Teen, Reynolds also lectures in Play and Art Therapy at the Mico University College Graduate School.
“How they are impacted and the extent of it ,” she continued, “depends on the atmosphere of the home before, during and after the actual separation, as well as how parents support children throughout the whole process.”
Agreeing that the break-up of a marriage is a process, Dr. Barry Davidson, family psychologist, and Chief Executive Officer of Family Life Ministries, points out that a union actually goes through several stages of deterioration before the final break takes place. “Usually a situation would have been in existence for some time but wasn’t being properly handled by both parties and so festered over time, eventually resulting in a split.”
Some of the reasons he cites for a break-up are:
- Faulty communication, where couples are not communicating effectively and usually argue frequently;
- Immaturity of both partners or one party, where they are not ready for the adult requirements of a marriage and expect to be taken care of as if still children;
- A feeling of lack of fulfillment of needs – a woman typically needs affection and conversation to feel valued and loved, while a man typically needs sex and to feel that his wife is as interested in it as he is, as well as companionship.
- Not taking marriage seriously. Some persons simply won’t stay to work through a marriage. It is a commitment, and unfortunately once the honeymoon stage is over and problems begin, the marriage may end when day-to-day reality is encountered.
Dr. Davidson strongly recommends that couples seek counselling early once they identify problematic areas that they are not able to handle themselves. “This is especially crucial where children are involved as the stability and happiness of a society hinges on the stability and happiness of the family, and so it is vital that couples do all that they can to stay together.” He however noted that oftentimes by the time couples seek help their problems are already far gone, and so sometimes a divorce will take place despite intervention. Parents may unintentionally convey negative messages to their children. They may not realize that their once commendable behaviour – now battered by constant marital conflict, and anxiety about the future – is marked by impatience, unapproachability, or even emotional withdrawal from their children.
“As best as possible I suppressed the pain of telling the children that I would no longer be living with them”
Oliver relates, “although suppression didn’t lessen the pain. Soon my wife’s mood became bitterer. I became increasingly depressed as I realized that, firstly, the triangle in which I had long existed with my wife and children, and ‘the other woman’ had merely been perpetuated in a different form, and secondly, the finality of the move I had made.”
In cases of mutual agreement and civility, the negative impact of a separation is less damaging and children have a better chance of making the adjustment. But if there has been frequent cold silence, yelling, or door-slamming, a separation is likely to be more difficult. For children, that atmosphere won’t feel safe. They might hold back their feelings to not upset others or, they might start “acting out”. There may be other related disturbed behaviour – younger children have temper tantrums, babies become inconsolable, teens spend more time with friends away from home with some becoming sexually promiscuous or turning to drugs and/or alcohol, performance at school may fall.
Separation changes the family dynamic. The eldest son might be expected to be the ‘man’ of the family for a while, or he may assume that role believing it helpful. Parent and child may behave more like companions. There is also the matter of their expected relationship with a parent’s girlfriend or a new spouse. This new person may or may not be liked by either the children or the other parent. Living arrangements may change, and disposable income may fall.
When children lose their sense of security at home because of such a dramatic change or loss, there is a good chance they may become emotionally stuck. For example, if a divorce happened when they were in primary school, attention-seeking behaviours may stay with them up into adulthood.
While divorce may occur bad behaviour during and after divorce can be avoided. Reynolds recommends open, honest, civil communication with an ex- or soon to be ex-spouse, and the children. She said it is important that both parents, together, inform the children about the separation, reassure them of their continued love and support and emphasize that the split is not the children’s fault. After the separation, both parents need to be supportive and positive about relating to their children: they should be reassured that there will always be access to the absent parent. By the same token, the parent no longer at home party should maintain regular contact.
Reynolds also cautions parents against negative behaviour such as failing to deal directly with the other parent and using the children as “go betweens”; “ bad mouthing” the other parent to the children or within their earshot; or pumping the children for information about the other parent.
Despite the shift in family arrangements, Reynolds stressed that children need to have a continued sense of stability and normality. Their regular activities should continue as before – school, church and extra-curricular activities. “Let children be children, and importantly, provide the means for them to work through their emotions. Maintain open dialogue with them and if needed, seek therapy for them to allow them to process the loss and minimize a long-term negative impact on their lives.”
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Though it had been several years since that incident, the emotions were obvious as Heather recounted the moment of separation for her and her then husband of 12 years. No one gets married with the intention of divorcing years later, but unfortunately this does happen. And even though a divorce is between adults, it isn’t only the couple who feels the pain of it – the child(ren) of that union also experience the trauma of separation.
Speaking specifically to the impact of marital separation on children, Marie Reynolds says all children in this situation experience a sense of abandonment and loss when one parent leaves the home. “It is akin to a death and they go through a period of mourning and grief.”
A paediatric psychotherapist and associate clinical Social Worker at both Family Life Ministries and Caribbean Tots to Teen, Reynolds also lectures in Play and Art Therapy at the Mico University College Graduate School.
“How they are impacted and the extent of it ,” she continued, “depends on the atmosphere of the home before, during and after the actual separation, as well as how parents support children throughout the whole process.”
Agreeing that the break-up of a marriage is a process, Dr. Barry Davidson, family psychologist, and Chief Executive Officer of Family Life Ministries, points out that a union actually goes through several stages of deterioration before the final break takes place. “Usually a situation would have been in existence for some time but wasn’t being properly handled by both parties and so festered over time, eventually resulting in a split.”
Some of the reasons he cites for a break-up are:
Dr. Davidson strongly recommends that couples seek counselling early once they identify problematic areas that they are not able to handle themselves. “This is especially crucial where children are involved as the stability and happiness of a society hinges on the stability and happiness of the family, and so it is vital that couples do all that they can to stay together.” He however noted that oftentimes by the time couples seek help their problems are already far gone, and so sometimes a divorce will take place despite intervention. Parents may unintentionally convey negative messages to their children. They may not realize that their once commendable behaviour – now battered by constant marital conflict, and anxiety about the future – is marked by impatience, unapproachability, or even emotional withdrawal from their children.
“As best as possible I suppressed the pain of telling the children that I would no longer be living with them”
Oliver relates, “although suppression didn’t lessen the pain. Soon my wife’s mood became bitterer. I became increasingly depressed as I realized that, firstly, the triangle in which I had long existed with my wife and children, and ‘the other woman’ had merely been perpetuated in a different form, and secondly, the finality of the move I had made.”
In cases of mutual agreement and civility, the negative impact of a separation is less damaging and children have a better chance of making the adjustment. But if there has been frequent cold silence, yelling, or door-slamming, a separation is likely to be more difficult. For children, that atmosphere won’t feel safe. They might hold back their feelings to not upset others or, they might start “acting out”. There may be other related disturbed behaviour – younger children have temper tantrums, babies become inconsolable, teens spend more time with friends away from home with some becoming sexually promiscuous or turning to drugs and/or alcohol, performance at school may fall.
Separation changes the family dynamic. The eldest son might be expected to be the ‘man’ of the family for a while, or he may assume that role believing it helpful. Parent and child may behave more like companions. There is also the matter of their expected relationship with a parent’s girlfriend or a new spouse. This new person may or may not be liked by either the children or the other parent. Living arrangements may change, and disposable income may fall.
When children lose their sense of security at home because of such a dramatic change or loss, there is a good chance they may become emotionally stuck. For example, if a divorce happened when they were in primary school, attention-seeking behaviours may stay with them up into adulthood.
While divorce may occur bad behaviour during and after divorce can be avoided. Reynolds recommends open, honest, civil communication with an ex- or soon to be ex-spouse, and the children. She said it is important that both parents, together, inform the children about the separation, reassure them of their continued love and support and emphasize that the split is not the children’s fault. After the separation, both parents need to be supportive and positive about relating to their children: they should be reassured that there will always be access to the absent parent. By the same token, the parent no longer at home party should maintain regular contact.
Reynolds also cautions parents against negative behaviour such as failing to deal directly with the other parent and using the children as “go betweens”; “ bad mouthing” the other parent to the children or within their earshot; or pumping the children for information about the other parent.
Despite the shift in family arrangements, Reynolds stressed that children need to have a continued sense of stability and normality. Their regular activities should continue as before – school, church and extra-curricular activities. “Let children be children, and importantly, provide the means for them to work through their emotions. Maintain open dialogue with them and if needed, seek therapy for them to allow them to process the loss and minimize a long-term negative impact on their lives.”
Share this post: