Couples will, and do, violate each other’s rules. Sometimes they violate them with someone outside the marriage. One such instance is when a partner commits an act of sexual infidelity. A great number of couples that benefit from therapy, are recovering from a cheating partner. This is a very useful and important way to mend the relationship and I highly recommend it. What puzzles me however, is the approach taken by the injured party, whether it is the wife or the husband.
First of all they are furious, but not at their partner. They’re furious at the person the partner cheated with. This is known in psychology as displaced aggression or more commonly “kick the dog” syndrome. For example if your boss makes you angry at work, you can’t hit him and keep your job. So you bottle up the anger and wait till you get home. When Fluffy the dog comes out to greet you wagging his tail, you kick him instead of your boss. So when your wives and husbands cheat you are angry at them but you are also very afraid they will leave you, so you feel justified in taking out your anger on the person they cheated with. But hold it just a second. . . that person is not actually in a relationship with you, they’ve made no promises, no commitments and no bonds with you. So why do you feel you can take out your anger on them.
The answer, I think, lies in the fact you believe somehow being a wife or a husband makes you immune to infidelity. Your elevated status as number one person in your partner’s lives gives you a false sense of security. I’ve heard so many married couples say, “but he’s my husband”. . . “that’s my wife he did that with”. . . “she should be ashamed”. . . “he is a . . .” well, I think you know the rest.
It seems you have drunk the Kool-Aid and actually believed a wedding band and a set of words are enough to keep your partner faithful. That’s magical thinking, the kind of thinking children employ when they leave cookies out for Santa Clause or write letters to the North Pole. Married couples tend to respond to these suggestions, they have been naïve by saying, “but we made vows before God, he/she promised to be faithful”. At this point I am forced to do three basic things as a therapist. First, I show them the over fourteen types of religious marriage vows that don’t include fidelity. And trust me, there are a whole host of them. Second, I ask them how long ago those vows were made and if they have discussed fidelity at any point in their marriage. The answer is usually a resounding “no”.
To continue reading, Purchase Vol. 8 Issue #3 2015.
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Couples will, and do, violate each other’s rules. Sometimes they violate them with someone outside the marriage. One such instance is when a partner commits an act of sexual infidelity. A great number of couples that benefit from therapy, are recovering from a cheating partner. This is a very useful and important way to mend the relationship and I highly recommend it. What puzzles me however, is the approach taken by the injured party, whether it is the wife or the husband.
First of all they are furious, but not at their partner. They’re furious at the person the partner cheated with. This is known in psychology as displaced aggression or more commonly “kick the dog” syndrome. For example if your boss makes you angry at work, you can’t hit him and keep your job. So you bottle up the anger and wait till you get home. When Fluffy the dog comes out to greet you wagging his tail, you kick him instead of your boss. So when your wives and husbands cheat you are angry at them but you are also very afraid they will leave you, so you feel justified in taking out your anger on the person they cheated with. But hold it just a second. . . that person is not actually in a relationship with you, they’ve made no promises, no commitments and no bonds with you. So why do you feel you can take out your anger on them.
The answer, I think, lies in the fact you believe somehow being a wife or a husband makes you immune to infidelity. Your elevated status as number one person in your partner’s lives gives you a false sense of security. I’ve heard so many married couples say, “but he’s my husband”. . . “that’s my wife he did that with”. . . “she should be ashamed”. . . “he is a . . .” well, I think you know the rest.
It seems you have drunk the Kool-Aid and actually believed a wedding band and a set of words are enough to keep your partner faithful. That’s magical thinking, the kind of thinking children employ when they leave cookies out for Santa Clause or write letters to the North Pole. Married couples tend to respond to these suggestions, they have been naïve by saying, “but we made vows before God, he/she promised to be faithful”. At this point I am forced to do three basic things as a therapist. First, I show them the over fourteen types of religious marriage vows that don’t include fidelity. And trust me, there are a whole host of them. Second, I ask them how long ago those vows were made and if they have discussed fidelity at any point in their marriage. The answer is usually a resounding “no”.
To continue reading, Purchase Vol. 8 Issue #3 2015.
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